Nobody wants to feel like this. I’m so happy that organizations
exist to make it easier, but no one would choose this.
I hate myself for feeling this way. I’ve been in therapy,
even intensive outpatient therapy, and I still hate myself for this. There are
so many things I would give up in exchange for not feeling this way.
I feel disgusting. I feel ugly. I feel unworthy. And yet,
when I see other gay couples, they make my heart sing, because they make sense
to me. It seems natural to me. But actually dealing with it is a completely
different story.
If it felt remotely normal to be with a man, I would. No
questions asked. But I doesn’t work. I would end up in an abusive relationship
if I tried to marry a man. Because it just doesn’t work for me that way.
I think I always believed that once you come out, you accept
yourself and feel happy with yourself. And, to a small degree, that’s true. I’d
rather understand my sexuality. But if I had a choice, I would be straight.
So, it doesn’t work the way I thought it might, even with
support behind you. You are SURROUNDED by normal people, knowing that your life
can never be like theirs, no matter how much you want it to. No matter how much
you wish it could change.
I am so thankful that I was able to come out, and I am even
more thankful that my friends accepted me/knew before I did. But if I could
change it, I wouldn’t hesitate to. And I hope that someday that self-hatred
will go away.
NO ONE WOULD CHOOSE THIS LIFE.
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